derekcfpegritz: (Default)
Listen to my station on Blip.fm!
derekcfpegritz: (Victims!)
I think I'm losing my mind.

It's been happening for a while now--euncontrollable rages sparked by the absolute stupidest, most completely pointless stressors. Christy ran off today when I was trying to give her her medicine. On most days, I'd shrug and just say, "Hell, I'll give it to her when she reappears." Today, however, I tore the house apart and nearly gavce both her and I heartattacks as I overturned the entire damn house trying to catch her. Only three Xanax and banging my forehead off a doorjamb five times managed to break the rage.

This doesn't happen often...but it's happening more and more frequently. And it all began in Fall of 2007 after the Liz debacle. That's when I found myself waking from dreams of blood-drenched butchery to find myself sitting at the wheel of my car, the passenger seat beside me full of hammers, scalpels, syringes, and bottles of liquid weed-killer. Yeah, no kidding.

I immediately contacted my psychiatrist, but he couldn't see me for five months...by which point I was convinced beyond a reasonable doubt that I would've killed somebody. I managed to score some free therapy appointments with a counsellor at a local mental-health wellness center, and that kept me from slaughtering anybody. The anger subsided into an occasional twinge, but nothing major. I figured I'd just been over-reacting and had finally gotten past it all.

But then it started coming back. Randomly. For no reason. Something stupid would happen that would annoy me--not anger me, just give me that "Well, dang it, why couldn't've you use your turn signal?" king of passing annoyance and...BOOM. I'd turn into the Incredible Hulk, ready to smash the person's car off the road, leap out, and beat them senseless in their own vehicle. It doesn't happen often, and so far it's been mostly controlled--with great difficulty, but controlled. After today, though...I don't know.

I've always had a bad temper--but it takes a lot to set it off. A LOT. Anymore, though...the most trifling things have been setting me off, too. Which is very unusual. I thought for a while that it was because I've been feeling ill--which always makes me extremely grumpy and ill-tempered--but this is a lot worse than mere irritability. I am always irascible; this is just fits of rabid blood-thirsty anger that nothing can stop until it burns itself off.

I have an appt. with my psych sometime in February, the closest they could see me. I don't know if somehow I'm taking too much Celexa now (I haven't changed dosage in ten years, but it's possible my metabolism may be changing and that same dose is starting to develop different effects) or if I'm developing some kind of legitimate psychosis, but...From here on out, I'm taking three Xanax everyday when I wake up. The only way I'm going to keep this thing chained is by sedating it so that it simply can't break its bounds.

This must honestly be what lycanthropy feels like: having this bloodthirsty animalistic, atavistic thing inside you whose power you can literally feel waxing and waning (though it seems to be tied to no readily noticeable external/environmental cause), growing to subsume your every thought beneath uncontrollable imperatives to smash, rend, destroy, bleed anything you can get your hands on....It is absolutely nightmarish and I 'm rapidly running out of the strength to fight it. I think I'm legitimately becoming someone I would write about. It scares me to death for the sake of those I care about (all, what, five or six of you). Hopefully, I'll get to see what the hell is going on here.

Something has got to be done before it's too late here. I don't know what's causing this--whether it's something as simple as my meds needing retitrated or some black astrocytoma of terminal hatred blooding like a dark matter nova in my limbic system, or something irreversible like Early Onset Alzheimer's (I also forget everything these days).

derekcfpegritz: (Worlock Guts)
It finally happened. I blew up at some belligerent fucking punjab bastard who cussed me out because he cannot do video chats in iChat. I tried to explain to him all the many factors involved, the nature of bandwidth bottlenecks, firewalls, etc...checked his computer over to make sure iChat worked fine (which it did)...and then was told that I am a "piss-poor excuse for a technical support agent" because I couldn't make his video chats magically work. This fucking towelhead piece of human garbage then proceeded to berate me because of my "utter lack of knowledge" until I finally told him to go fuck his mother in the ass.

Something tells me I won't have a job tomorrow.

I've been lying through my teeth about this job, saying it wasn't so bad, that it paid well and was at least tolerable. From day one I've wanted to vomit every day I've had to work. I cannot stand Apple, I cannot stand that goddamned loathesome company's irrevocably retarded customers. No, you know what--I can stand retards. I've taught retards. You just have to take your time with them and explain what's going on in detail. But these fucking retards are belligerent. Impatient. Furious. Meanspirited and disgustingly demanding. I cannot take another fucking minute of it.

But...now what? I can't get a job to save my life. This is the only job I can get.

I have a master's degree in English but work at a goddamned soul-crushing customer-service junkheap. If I quit, I won;t be able to pay any of my bills and I'll probably never get another fucking job.


I am an utter failure at everything I do. I'm seething with rage constantly. I'm either going to stick a knife in someone or I'm going to stick it in my own throat.

I'm too fucked up physically to do most everything, but can't get anything in the university field because I'm not a fucking faggot or a lesbian. I can't get disability. I can't do anything.

I give up. This is the bottom.

aRvin, you can have my computer and all my music/writing. Do whatever you want with it. Sell it, put it on the web, erase it--I don't care.

Arcane Matt, you can have my DVDs and all my CDs. Everyone else I know is entitled to make copies of my MP3 collection.

I want my books to go to my buddy Joe Kendall for his eBay/Amazon used-books store.

All my schoolbooks and furniture and shit belong to my mother. Give all my clothes to good will.

THIS IS IMPORTANT: No funeral. No wake. No headstone. Nothing. Burn me. Dump my ashes on Pine Knob (ask Joe where it is). And never fucking speak my goddamned name again.

If I don't make it to tomorrow, the above must be put into effect. If I do, then just forget about it.



derekcfpegritz: (Default)
So my computer got fucked the other day. Motherfucking Vista agauibn, AS USUAL--the goddamned OS crashed and wouldn't strt back up, so I tried to reinstall it and THAT failed, so I finally smashed the fucking disk. When I tried to reinstall XP on it using the restoration disks that had come with the computer--oh, guess fucking what? The second oine won't read anymore.

I can't find a fucking XP disk anywhere in my motherfucking house, and no one I know has one. So fuck it--I have about $1100 saved up, I might as well get a new computer. It'll have motherfucking Vista on it, but so what? I just need Vista to work long enough for me to download a torrent of XP.

Anyway, you can;t get a fucking computer that doesn't have Vista 64-bit on it anymore, so I bought a really nice one for around $800: 8gb of RAM, big HD, and I was told that all my software would work.

Well, it fucking doesn;t. NONE of my musical software will run on the cocksucker.

I don't have enough money to buy a copy of Vista OR XP now, so I have to return the goddamned computer, hope Best Buy will take it back, and then buy some piece-of-shit $400 eMachine just because it's the last fucking computer they sell with Vista 32-bit on it.

Oh, and a monitor. Because I put my fist through mine.

I'm in an utter, utter rage right now. I am seriously considering giving up on music. I CANNOT STAND THE FACT THAT THE ONLY GODDAMNED MACHINE I CAN USE IS SOME OUTDATED PIECE OF GARBAGE BECAUSE NO MOTHERFUCKIONG VST PLKUGINS WILL RUN ON ANYTHING BUT VISTA 32 OR XP.

I mean, seriously, why am I bothering? No one listens to the shit anyway.

Ohyeah, and my old computer, which I'm writing this on right now, has Ubuntu on it--which I fucking hate--and it's telling me the hard-drive';s gonna fail.

As soon as I get off this machinbe, I'm kicking the motherfucker in and throwing it out in the rain.

FUCK THIS SHIT.
derekcfpegritz: (Default)
Keep up-to-date as the Bush Era FINALLY FUCKING ENDS.

derekcfpegritz: (THE FINGER!)
Wow. I am so proud of myself.

I am a telemarketer.

Making minimum wage.

With an MA in English.

I'm not writing anymore, I'm not doing shit. I am officially good for nothing but calling people and trying to sell them shit they don't even want.

If I put a bullet in my head soon, don't be surprised. Just bury my useless ass someone where no one will ever bother me or even look at me again.
derekcfpegritz: (Crossed Hammers)
All of my recent research into the Holocaust has...well, it's made me question a lot of things. About the unimaginable stupidity of humanity, and the utter brutality that can and will emerge from anyone at even the slightest provocation. But in all my readings, there is one question that I've never really seen asked, or answered.

If anyone reading this today is a Jew (practicing or not), let me ask you a question: How can you--or ANY Jew--possibly believe in a god of any sort after the Holocaust? Hell, how can you believe a god after the Middle Ages, let alone the Holocaust?

I truly don't understand how Jews can continue to believe in a god after he/she/it allowed six million of his/her/its "chosen people" to be brutally murdered for no good reason whatsoever.

Were I of Hebrew descent, I'd be demanding that fickle motherfucker choose someone else. But, more likely, I would've become an atheist even sooner than I did. I distinctly remember talking about the Holocaust in CCD classes at my parish church when I was about eleven, and when I asked the poor lady who was teaching my group the inevitable question, "Why, in God's name, would He allow that to happen?" she could only answer, "Derek, I don't know....You just have to have faith that it somehow fit into God's great plan."

Well, you know what I discovered about God's great plan? God's great plan for my life was to prove for me, once and for all, the lie of religion. I truly cannot believe anybody, Christian, Jew, or even Muslim, Hindu, or Wiccan can believe in any gods in light of the Holocaust.

In fact, I'm going to make this a major theme of my novel--which, by the way, has found a working title: This World is Not This World. It's the title of the preface to the book The Nazi Doctors that I'm currently reading.

Seriously, though: any and all Jewish readers of this...how do you justify the existence of a god in light of the history of your people/religious-group?
derekcfpegritz: (Default)
It was bound to happen.

derekcfpegritz: (Cloverfield)
Some dingdong Chasidic leader in Israel says the earthquake recently felt across Israel is the result of "all them dang sodomites just a-sodomizin' all over the place these days."

You know, usually, I don't have much to say about Jews...even though the God of the Old Testament is a certifiable psychotic fuckhead whom no one in their right mind would even be friends with, let alone worship. But, man, just as in every religion, extreme right-wing Jews are all fucking crazy, too.
derekcfpegritz: (Default)
This journal is friends-only. Period. If I know you, you're probably already on here; if not...get lost. Seriously. You wouldn't want to hear me whine about my screwed-up knees and pathetic life anyway.
derekcfpegritz: (Killer Monkey)
I feel like absolute shit today. Listless. No energy. Incredibly depressed.

Last year at this time I was happy. I had a purpose in life. All of it's gone. I've got nothing left but a belly full of acid and terminal regrets.

Fuck.

I'm going to the Wreckcreation show tonight, but I'm only staying to see them--I really don't care about any of the other bands. After that, it's over to Jeremy and Lily's Octoberween party...where I plan on drinking away my unutterable misery.

So, somebody better help me forget all this bullshit--and by help me, I mean, make sure I'm good and goddamned drunk! I'm always happy when I'm completely smashed. To make this easier, I'm bringing down...umm, I think six cans of Guiness. I really only claim one of those; the rest are for everyone else to knock back--because I plan on starting things off slow with a Guiness and then ramping it up exponentially until I'm just lying in a corner with a bottle of Jim Beam in my hand singing "Mother McRae" at the top of my lungs. :)

I'll admit, I'm a jovial drunkard! I've never been one of those people who get all weepy and shit when drunk--I just get happy and like to make out with random chicks. So, random chicks, beware. Random dudes, too, for that matter. Once I get so hammered I can no longer tell the difference between male and female, life is good!
derekcfpegritz: (Default)


God, I miss the days of Eddie Murphy on SNL.
derekcfpegritz: (God Hates America!)
Look...I know that the Iranian "president" is a tinpot dictator--everyone knows that. But he is an intelligent man who is legitimately trying to make peace with the rest of the world while attempting to keep his country true to its own vision of leadership and culture. That leadership and culture are most definitely NOT something I or any Western democracy would ultimately support...but it is his country, and he can run it however the fuck he wants to.

And when you invite a dignitary of any sort to speak at your campus, YOU TREAT HIM WITH BASIC HUMAN RESPECT. Hey, I agree with many of the President of Columbia's statements regarding Ahmadinejad...but their delivery was highly, highly questionable. You DO NOT invite somebody to your University simply to cut him or her to ribbons. You let them speak, and then you hold a dialogue--which may get fierce and combative (I've had plenty of go-arounds with creationists in my time when they've come to speak at the university's where I've taught)...but must, MUST follow proper decorum and civility.

I will publicly state that I think what Columbia University did was more than a little wrong. It was a bear-baiting, nothing more. Admittedly, many of Ahmadinejad's statements were ludicrous, such as "We do not have homosexuals in our country." Don't bet on it, buster! It is right to laugh at ludicrous statements. But bringing the man to you campus simply to relentlessly attack him, when he has clearly announced that his purpose in coming there was to help relations between our countries, is just gauche.

But, unfortunately, it's also so, so typically American.

So I say to the American people who actually have a lick of sense: Let the guy be. Let him run his damned country however he wants--and laugh at his willfull blindness if you will--but treat him with respect. There's good reason the United States has always been viewed as a enemy state in the Middle East, and it has nothing to do with our ridiculous, knee-jerk support for Israel (a country that I, personally, would love to see eliminated just because its presence alone is so destabilizing).

The US is hated in the Middle East because our nation has a massive superiority complex when it comes to dealing with Third World nations. "We know what's best for you" sums up our entire foreign policy toward the Middle East since...well, forever. It's just a continuation of British Colonialism. Simply put: this is bullshit. The only people who know what's best for their country are the citizens of that country themselves. That doesn't mean we can't criticize them, attempt to educate them, embargo them if need be, and so forth...but to tell other countries how to run themselves is the same thing as telling other people how to live their lives. No one wants some asshole standing over you demanding that, say, you wear a rainbow afro wig every day of your life to show that you're a True American, right? Well, standing over a Middle Eastern country and telling them "You will be a US-style democracy or we will make you do it" is really not that different.

The goddamned world--America in particular--needs a massive dose of civility. And when the leader of a Third World hellhole whose people are forbidden to wear jeans because they are "un-Islamic" comes off as ten times more civil than the citizens of one of the most powerful, culturally-permissive, and generically "free" nations in the world, then guess what people? Something stinks at home, not over in Iran.
derekcfpegritz: (THE FINGER!)
To the Democratic Party:

GO FUCK YOURSELVES.

I just wiped my ass with my party membership card.

You pieces of shits are no better than the goddamned Republicans. Fucking traitors. Petraeus is a stooge and you know it, yet you clap when he speaks and you condemn criticism of him that even the Republicans think is, in many ways, warranted.

Barack...you're still my boy, but watch who you associate with. Especially that cunt that Bill Clinton married.
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